We aren’t meant to have it all. And, that’s a good thing.
There’s a thing that’s sold to mothers, or women in general, in this day and age. It’s the idea that we can have it all: family, career, a firm body, healthy meals all the time, a great marriage with explosive physical connection, solid friendships or sisterhoods…all of it, and then some.
Don’t get me wrong, I want you to have these things. I want to have these things, too.
Yet, it’s in the wanting that we suffer the most.
Because, this having it all isn’t possible.
We aren’t wired as humans to have it all — it’s a unique thing about being here, embodied and with life:
We are imperfect. Our life isn’t meant to be polished and full of everything we’ve ever wanted.
We are meant to continually evolve and choose what’s right for us at any given moment.
Think of having it all like a buffet.
I love the idea of a buffet. And when I’m really hungry, I think it’s like heaven on earth to imagine all types of food– ready to eat and as much as I wanted.
Yet, while I’m eating this buffet of food, my body does it’s thing, the very thing it’s meant to: it gets full.
Full is a good thing.
Yet, I pine for more. Look at all the shiny and delicious foods up here, waiting for me!
And sometimes we over ride what we know is best for us because, well, dessert is delicious.
I first started to think about this having it all when I heard Shonda Rhimes’s commencement speech to Dartmouth College in 2014. (check it out here). She says she gets asked:
Shonda, how do you do it all?
The answer is this: I don’t.
Whenever you see me somewhere succeeding in one area of my life, that almost certainly means I am failing in another area of my life.
If I am killing it on a Scandal script for work, I am probably missing bath and story time at home. If I am at home sewing my kids’ Halloween costumes, I’m probably blowing off a rewrite I was supposed to turn in. If I am accepting a prestigious award, I am missing my baby’s first swim lesson. If I am at my daughter’s debut in her school musical, I am missing Sandra Oh’s last scene ever being filmed at Grey’s Anatomy. If I am succeeding at one, I am inevitably failing at the other. That is the tradeoff. That is the Faustian bargain one makes with the devil that comes with being a powerful working woman who is also a powerful mother. You never feel a hundred percent OK; you never get your sea legs; you are always a little nauseous. Something is always lost.
Something is always missing.
Shonda goes on to say she wants her children to see her as a working woman to know:
That woman is fulfilled. That woman is whole. I wouldn’t want them to know the me who didn’t get to do this all day long. I wouldn’t want them to know the me who wasn’t doing.
Lesson Number Three is that anyone who tells you they are doing it all perfectly is a liar.
I resonated with all of this, though my career is super part time as a mama. No matter what, we can’t have it all.
I want you to know:
You can’t have it all. Yet, you can feel complete.
What feeling complete looks like:
Knowing you are on your own unique path
Trusting that you are making the right decision for right now
Taking care of yourself, even if that means a simple mental adjustment of leaning in to a deeper sense of belonging
Agreeing to live more cyclical, or in rhythm with the seasons of your soul + spirit
Dearest one, the next time you think or wonder if something is wrong with you, may you always remember:
You are exactly where you need to be.
Maybe you are a career woman and/or your children are in daycare, and you have that inevitable mom guilt. Your kids are being raised + taken care of by other help, and that’s ok.
Maybe you are the sole care giver for your child while you career is on the back burner, and you have that inevitable feeling that somethings missing. Your career will be there for you when you’re ready and able, and that’s ok.
I write this post because I need it.
And like I’ve known before, what’s going on for me is probably going on for someone else.
I also want to invite you to take this course,Remove Goal Guilt, to sort through those wants of having it all.
Inside of this lesson, I discuss the important aspects of letting go of what we want.
Because when we let go of having it all, we can make room for what we truly seek.
Here’s the link to the course, which will be off market in a Mach 22, 2018 for a renovation. I encourage you, if your interest is peeked, to purchase it now before it disappears.
As always, I embrace you.
You are perfectly imperfect, and that’s where you thrive.
R o s e