“I love being married to a divorced man,” I said to my sweet friend over a coffee date a few days ago.

Wow, did I really say that out loud? Did I really admit to someone else besides my husband that I love and appreciate his past?

Not only did I say it, I truly feel this way.

I love my husband as he is. I radically accept him, all his past, all his future, and all his now. 

In the big picture, loving the past, present, and future of each other individually is what we vowed to one another on our wedding day, after all.

I deeply believe that all he experienced has allowed for him to engage our marriage from a place of mindfulness and truth.

My man had done his emotional healing, letting go, and finding himself before we met, so he was ready to dive into our real love.

Yet, this path hasn’t of acceptance of his past hasn’t been the smoothest road for me. 

In the past, when thinking of my husband’s past marriage: I thought if I didn’t engage the topic, it would go away. I deep down inside was sad that my husband had to experience this difficult time in his life.

Over time, I created more distance and resistance around the subject than I really realized.

Guess what happened?

As always, the stuff you bury under the rug will resurface; or the rug will be pulled out from under you.

And, yes, my husband’s previous marriage recently resurfaced.

(I am sparing those personal details, since that is my husband’s story and not mine.)

Wow, I thought to myself, I really mis-directed my thoughts around this subject.

Because as it resurfaced, I felt angry, upset, and confused thinking of the fact that my husband was previously married.

All those feelings are ones that are there to remind me, it’s time to think about what do I really want to be experiencing, right now? 

Time to re-engage the subject with my creative energy tool-box of tools that I’ve harnessed over the past few years. 

I asked myself, how have I misused my creative energy to make up my current narrative?

Answers:

What I thought was my mindful practice around the subject was really a mindless practice

That when I thought ill thoughts about my husband’s previous marriage in my head that it was justified

That I could save my husband from the pain he experienced in the past by ignoring the situation (what?)

Today, what guides me, from my true practices of acceptance and creative thinking:

If you are avoiding a topic, instead of looking at it in black and white and accepting it as it is, then you aren’t being mindful.

It never helps to think/speak ill about a situation in the past. Feel it to heal it, but get real when it’s time to grow up and replace that feeling with compassion.

You can never save someone you love from his/her past pain. But, you can show love and present tense goodness with your creative energy, TODAY.

In summary:

Sometimes it truly is necessary to uncover the past in order to move forward.

Especially in a committed relationship like marriage, you’ve gotta figure out what went on back before you knew one another to keep growing + knowing one another.

Even if that past is STICKY and totally nasty to bring up. You’ve got to get there, get real, and get out.

Getting real is the place to getting grown.