A note to my warrior self

To the Rose in this photo, 4 years ago and 40 hours into labor of her baby. This is what I want you to know:

Your baby will be here early tomorrow morning, as light begins to crack open the dawn. You have been moving mountains and calling upon the strength of your ancestors to get baby here. I see that and you’re amazing. You’re doing exactly what you need to.

I know it’s hard to trust right now. I know you’re exhausted and confused. I know you wish your body was doing something else. I know you want this to be a linear and textbook birth. I know you wish many things are different than what you’re going through, right now. 

Making choices while listening to the deep rhythms of your body. It’s not easy. You’re doing this. You’re capable and the strongest person I’ve ever met. 

But here’s what I want to tell you. It’s ok to feel exactly as you do, going from presence to fear, going from trust to unknown. Your brain and body and baby are made of magic. You’re a child of God giving birth to a child of God. And though you feel so alone, you’re not alone. Ever. The women who have gone through this, too, are waiting to hold you on the other side. 

You and your baby will need a lot of help soon. You will be pushing your baby out and have a vision, and that vision will tell you it’s time to say yes to a cesarean. I know you’ve been told to fight against medical intervention, but when that vision comes to you, you’ll know it’s time. That choice is there to make sure you both live. Trust that vision and that you are held. 

You’re doing great. This is unfolding exactly as it needs to be. 

All art is created from this very moment. 

You did nothing wrong to make these circumstances hard. No frame of thought, no diet, no wrong actions have led to this complicated moment of a complicated birth. 

This is all within the divine plan, though you have no control of that plan. Let me remind you: you’re doing nothing wrong.

You and your baby will need support. But the greatest doctors and surgeons in the area will swoop in and be present at exactly the right moment. Your husband and your doula will be right there, reminding you how goddesses are made. We will pray to Mary, we will trust the mystery of all that is. You’ll meet your beautiful baby soon. It’ll be different what you envisioned for that moment, but it’ll be your moment, forever. 

I know cesarean seems like the worst case scenario. Yet, what the worst case scenario is is forgetting how strong you are.

Baby will be helped. You will be helped. 

Your strength is what allowed you to say yes to that help.

Dear Rose, 40 hours into labor. I love you. You’re a warrior, always have been, and will continue to be. Your body has always been there for you, and even when this doesn’t go how you want: you’re held. 

This is the beginning and the end of the most ancient pain. You are a conduit of all that is. 

Thank you for serving us all by birthing that gorgeous, precious, and vibrant human. And most of all, thank you for birthing this next version of yourself. We need her now more than ever. 

Love, 

Me –  4 years later while that baby, on the eve of his birthday, plays with his trucks. 

Other blogs about my birth:

A note to my warrior self

Thanks for reading! As of November 2020 I have close to 250 blogs here! WOW. Click on one few linked below. And, this site is under some major construction. Thanks for your understanding!

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